Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
You dropped me off at the wrong girl's house.
There's no such thing as a "wrong girl" make it happen.
alright see you in the morning.
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
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the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge.
its Wednesday...
they're reeeeeally big trays
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
I feel like everyone in class can tell we had a threesome last weekend.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
Randomize