The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
I have minimal recognition and a lot of burns on my tongue and my vagina hurts.
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
We broke into her grandpa's pool at 2 am and I held my underwear out the window on the way home.
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
