You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
i hope not, i just know that at one point I was sitting on the bathroom floor eating bugles and crying because i had no one to show that it looked like I had witch nails when i stuck them on the ends of all ofmy fingers.
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
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