and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
Making jello shots drunk, i apologize ahead of time if they are too strong Can't taste anything.
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
He is so amazingly handsome. I just wanna fuck every shred of decency out of him.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
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