I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
honestly, magaritas are the void men can't fill.
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
I'll come hang out with you guys later, but right now my parents aren't home and I have to take full advantage of being able to watch porn on full blast.
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
Randomize
