this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
Walt I've been the third wheel taking shotssssssssssssssssolo. Each s is for each solo shot.
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
Now that makes it sound like you had sex with a guy in batman costume and you never took the mask off so you can't 100 percent be sure.
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
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