Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
I was just compiling a top 5 blowjobs list and that's in there for sure.
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
this strobe light makes my body turn on and off
Randomize
