I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
I had her buy me a cock ring, so we might test that out. We are presently playing yahtzee.
Cock rings and yahtzee. Like peanut butter and jelly.
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize
