Wow, your whole life is a joke regardless of the fact that its april fools day
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
I woke up with a black eye, bruised knuckles, wearing women's clothing, in a house I did not recognize, next to a solid 9. Thank you for making 21 special.
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
I don't know what was up he just kept sitting in his chair smoking weed and watching home movies all night it was weird as fuck.
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
Randomize
