By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
I was very proud of myself that day. I had an awesome time. I don't care if I negatively impacted others.
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
unless you want this visit to have a different tone... more romantic, less molly in a hotel room
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
Heels with jeans turned Casual Friday into Casual Sex With My Boss Friday
Randomize
