This is not my ceiling
i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
It smelt so bad when i tried biting off her underwear that i didn't want to touch with my mouth
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
Randomize
