When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
When have we listened to the rational side of either of us?!
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
Hmmm, well all I'm saying is don't do anything too irrational because you miss him and are blinded by his large penis.
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
Randomize
