where are you?
in the room with the baby pig
k im coming soon
he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
That's what happens when you let Keystone Light make your decisions.
I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
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