I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
I don't know what you're talking about. I just drank beer out of my own bellybutton by doing a backbend and letting it run down my body.
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
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