Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
Second day of summer classes and i already got this girl to send me nudes during class
that is WHY your in summer classes
worth it
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
So like if I threw up in my purse is that "don't ever show your face in public again" worthy or just slightly frowned upon
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
yes that’s a photo of a horny gay donkey
Oh I know. I’ve known many horny gay donkeys in my time.
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