Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
I made myself breakfast and everything and then whoever's house it actually was came downstairs very upset.
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
Randomize
