i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
Too long to explain. Basically I started an electircal fire. No one was hurt except for a box of cereal near the outlet.
Buying weed with grant money. God I love college. No other time are we presented with these opportunities.
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
A place where it's acceptable to show body parts is not a good place for me to be.
WHAT IS HAPPENING
A FLOCK OF DICKS IS MIGRATING TOWARDS US.
"WHAT IS THIS LESBIAN MADNESS"
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
She pooped on me during a reverse cowgirl. And it wasn't a little bit either.
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