I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
kill, fuck, marry: alice cullen, hermione granger, ginny weasley.
damn... fuck alice for sure, I feel bad but i think I have to say marry ginny... and kill hermoine! I can't believe I'm answering this right now.
"Shots" has been nominated for a grammy. Now all of the US has sunken to our level...
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
He ate me out while I was wearing a canada goose parka and a dress hand crafted by a seamstress from yellowknife. I came while watching the northern lights. Most arctic orgasm ever.
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