We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
she said it was ok for her to take her top off in the hot tub but she didn't take off her bottoms because that would be slutty
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
You casually put your finger in my ass and other people are weird..
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
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