we were pretty classy up until the second keg
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
NEVERCLEAR, NEVER AGAIN.
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
3 hour lecture of my biology teacher talking about isotopes and space shuttles. I'm way too high for this.
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
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