do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
But he's not just anonymous male genitalia anymore. I've met him, I've seen his face.
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
I don't remember what you were saying to me in the bathroom. But whatever it was, yes, because i remember nodding a lot.
Lets just make a point system, like if we have sex add a point, if they leave after take away a point, if they stay all fucking day take away a point
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
This is the fourth guy that I've broken in to gay sex. How the hell do they find me?
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