I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
what day is it and did you see me today?
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
Your cum is still running out of me. I pity the next person that tries these jeans on....
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
So on a scale of 1-10 how mad would you be if I sent you a picture from the inside of a strip club
Randomize
