Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
I think Charlie st. Cloud is the saddest thing I can masturbate to.
The nursing school interview showed me a picture of my passed out during your party. They asked if this was a frquent thing. I told them you drugged me.
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
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