I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
yeah I'm sure your grandparents are the best but it's halloween. get a slutty costume and let's go ham.
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
I'm just going to take the mature adult root and ignore him for a bit, and then pretend like I didn't see him jerking off.
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
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