Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
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She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
Maybe if he'd step up his game and get a real job instead of donating plasma and trying to grow pot then you wouldn't feel compelled to write prisoners in Oregon.
the other day i was so high i found pages and pages of pictures of HD hamburgers and patriotic music. bong rips for merica.
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I STILL HAVE A HARD TIME DECIDING WHAT TO WEAR IN THE MORNING HOW WOULD IT BE POSSIBLE FOR ME TO PICK A PAIR OF PANTS AND GO OH ILL JUST WEAR THESE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
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