I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
Lady next to me is getting american flags airburshed on her nails. god bless the ghetto.
I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
do you wanna get some fucking pussy tonight.....THEN DRESS LIKE IT
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
But i guess when you use blowjob as a verb you are entitled to some language allowances
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
Can we just discuss how hundreds of miles away we were both beyond drunk and in some boys bed. That is the definition of friendship.
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
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