i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
I don't remember anything but yelling at the ref in Spanish.
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
Where are all your bongs? Your Dad wants to make sure they're put away before his family gets here.
Umm....in my room, on my closet, under the bed and behind my laptop.
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
Randomize
