She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
love makes seman taste better
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
We did blind alcohol taste testing and she got 10 of 10. I'm in love.
Randomize
