White wifebeaters are like orgies with fat people. Enjoyable in private, i'm sure, but in public: no thanksss.
new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Randomize
