The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
Omg the sex was so good my ears popped. Thank god too. Cause then I didn't have to hear him going on and on about his dumbass feelings. It's called a booty call bitch.
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
Randomize
