Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
I think I'm on the verge of a really slutty period in my life
just tripped. bootyfest 2012 will be my engagement party. i saw the whole future. i'm moving to the beach.
It is 9pm, let the ass parade to the bars begin
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
