Everything about him screamed your future.
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
she insisted i was the anonymous guy on formspring that kept asking to bang her
Clearly I went along with it
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
on a brighter note, the cop thought i could kick adams ass if it came down to that and said he had $20 on me if it ever happens
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
i was talking to them for like 5 mins and they were like HEY LETS GET A PICTURE and tequila said it was good idea
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
Okay Im still jerking off but now with the Reality of Law School Looming In The Distance
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
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