I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
This fat girl in front of me just got on the bus to go 2 blocks. Do you think she ever wonders why shes fat?
Don't use my boy Weezy to support your whoreish tendencies.
I may have been to starbucks and 2 classes with balls still written on my face...
Come see our sink grown plant.
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
I woke up in a limo in long Island, Ny this morning. Talk about a black out
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
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