Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
Girl just left one of the apts upstairs carrying a giant bottle of kahlula and a lunchable.... I feel like we could be friends
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
I lost my cyber virginity to a guy I barely knew in high school while a Togepi Plushie watched.
Randomize
