there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
can you just act like it's not so easy to get a blowjob from me??
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
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