It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
From the prices on this menu it looks like I have no choice. I have to blow him.
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
Randomize