who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
I should be sponsored by Trojan
there was a trapeze. enough said
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
Just threw the poptarts. Sgits boutta go Down. 1 liter of wine
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
Randomize
