Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
Well tech shes born nov 12, but since her head was out on the 11th, she claims both days as her birthday
I have feelings that need drinking.
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
Randomize
