I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
there's paper in my vomit.
I'm worried someone is gonna take a black light to my work computer. But the connection is faster here.
yes we were fucking thats why i put "watching a movie" in quotations
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.
It's ok, February is a short month
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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