I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
I know it sounds like a good idea, but doing Spanish homework at a bar just because the owners are Mexican and they give us margaritas really wasn't the best decision.
I'm pretty sure this is how polyamorous relationships begin.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
It's fun yes. But hard on the body. I woke up with her purse, socks and one of her shoes in my room. The other shoe was outside. What the fuck were we doing last night?
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
I party with great urgency now.
Randomize
