I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
I still have the video of you three making soup in my kitchen and asking random people for permission DURING the party, not after like usually
Don't remember, didn't happen
I HAVE THE VIDEO YOU DICK IT HAPPENED
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
its weird getting into a political debate with a pony dressed as an anime character online
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
Randomize
