I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
you missed a midterm to shack? WOW. How desperate are you?
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
It's a journey
And the destination is his penis?
Precisely.
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
Randomize
