How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
I went shopping for a dress that was baptism and bar appropriate.
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
Randomize
