my mouth tastes like poor choices
Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
Climbing onto the roof in a dress and high heeled boots was probably not the best idea, especially after all that Bacardi.
I'm going as Jenn Sterger if she answered Favre's calls and ended up in a trash can. If I don't get laid tonight I'm going to be pissed
you're expensive. Idk about all this. What happened to free make outs?
Sobriety and mild self-respect
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Randomize
