just got drunk at a party with Christmas themed solo cups.. holidays are officially here.
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
he came within less than a minute of me blowing him. this was our second night hanging out in a row. for an almost 30 year old italian man, he is NOT living up to his country's reputation
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
Experimentation with dessert toppings followed by shower sex. Only logical progression bro.
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
Randomize
