I can tuck mytits in my pants
I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
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