alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
I just had my first experience getting hit on by a guy. It was really awkward, he touched my chest and invited me to a gay bar because "women get drunk and let their guard down at gay bars"
thats actually pretty good logic
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
What happened?
New Orleans
Every time
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
Randomize
