and then I told him he looked like the Gordon's Fisherman dude. I don't think he thought it was funny, because he 'forgot' to pay for my beer.
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
Really though. It's your life, live it how you want
And I do mostly. Which is why I'm now drunk in my room writing erotica
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Randomize
