I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
i was about to cum until he started doing shrek impressions.
then he tried to tell me how many times he had seen Scott's dick. his estimate was about 180 times. he thought I didn't understand.
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
pretty sure that drunk girl we saw climbing the stairs is now DJing this club....
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
Yeah yeah, I don't care. I bought a super soaker, so lets please go attracting attention by spraying each other while wearing white tank tops?
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
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