She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
I went down on her for 35 minutes and didn't even get a handy. I've never felt more desire to be gay in my life.
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
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