Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
You misunderstood me....i wasnt asking and it is not negotiable
You're making this sound more like a hostage situation than a booty call.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
Bouncer came into the bathrooms to tell us the old one-person-per-stall rule, realised it was two girls banging, and left us to it. Lesbiperks.
I'd say I was is in rare form last night but it's becoming pretty common.
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
Randomize
