he was so hot that i framed the used condom. it's not trash, it's art.
I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
I can’t believe the potential orgy I left behind at Waffle House.
So he said if we had sex he'd take me to Build A Bear. My virginity is so worth a trip to build a bear.
You're 20.
IT'S BUILD A BEAR!
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
YAS. BRING CRAB.
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
Randomize
