Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He is going to sleep with me. That's all there is to it. I'm 4 for 4 right now. I'm not making it 4 for 5.
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
So vagazzling was a success
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
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