i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
we're going to dress like we're asking for it, because we are
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
He busted his lip while trying to keep from passing out in the pool. The hotel people don't seem to be too concerned that we're passing around a bottle of SoCo at 11 am.
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
It all started with a game of naked twister.
Do you think Ashley had her twin sister tag in for our date? The sex was different and I think a mole was missing
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