Pls tell me she didnt actually sign a nutsack.
When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
Sober January is a disaster.
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
Randomize
