I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?
I wouldn't call it sex. It's like when you put a plug in a socket half way. It's not all the way in but it still turns on the light.
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
Randomize
