my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
What if I told you that I had 160 ounces of cheap malt liquor in my backpack? Espn films 40 for 40s presents: Edward 40 hands. Our room. 11PM/10 central
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
Use "feeling words"
Yay
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
I have a bad feeling I'm going to like this fuck buddy
For a girl who cried from fear the last time she was asked out, this. Is. TERRIFYING!
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
Randomize
