Drunken candy land NOW. Dont fight the urge... you want to.
i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
Well it ended with everyone taking a bite out of a raw potato and a girl crying because her boyfriend wouldn't bring her any grape juice. So yeah...I'd say the night was a success.
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
Randomize
