guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
He also has a monumental penis. It's unbelieveable. I'm sorry but he's perfect.
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
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i just kept saying he was red & i was blue and we couldnt become purple. I started crying at one point
Just started taking liver support pills. Welcome to Senior year.
It's official drugs can't kill me
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
And the cockring thing wasn't sexual.
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Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
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